When OCD Gets Out of Control
I live in exile - in England
My type of #OCD means that certain places & people feel contaminated to me, but not due to germs.
This lesser known type of OCD is called Emotional Contamination OCD. It means I can't go where I want to. It has driven me to run from Germany, across Europe and then all the way to Canada, leaving everyone and everything behind.
England isn't all clean to me. But it is way cleaner than Germany and Switzerland.
Fiancé is English. We live in his country. And this is not about me talking that this isn't a nice place to be, even though I am in 'exile'. Because the exile only exists in my head!
I'm from Germany and everything to do with it is contaminated because my OCD tells me that my own parents and my entire family are 'dirty'. Not dirty from germs; it is them who are dirty. I haven't seen them in almost 12 years!
My past feels dirty, too. Because of what I have done. Because of my link to my parents.
Sometimes I am not sure if it's 'just' my parents that are my source of contamination or also myself. Because *I* have made things dirty in the past, too. Maybe because I have transferred my parents by cross-contamination, I'm not sure.
I absolutely love the city of Zurich and it is my dream to go back there. If not to live, at least to visit. I used to live there for 3 years and hell has it become dirty with Germany during that time. It is funny, because about 30,000 German people live in Zurich who don't contaminate it. Just me and my parents.
I am getting older and older, and I really want to go wherever I fancy. But my severe OCD just wouldn't let me.
I feel the need to try harder. I haven't been to Germany nor Switzerland since 2009/2010 and would be fine if I didn't have the desire to go back. But I dooooooo!
Currently living in England, I am coping, but because I have lived here before (2006-2007), there is a long list of contaminated towns as well:
and so on and on
If you are from one of these places, why not come and leave a comment and make my page 'dirty'. I could really use it. ;)
The most recommended way of how to treat OCD effectively is ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention). So, trying to get my OCD under more control, I have jumped into ERP therapy and started to buy items of food from 'dirty' Germany:
Do you also experience the strong effects of this debilitating mental illness? Or do you know someone who does? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.
If you liked this post, you might want to read more interesting things on my website here: www.katjagschulz.com
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